Personal Revelations

An epiphany reveals or makes known something that had been previously hidden.   

I have kept many things hidden, not just from others but particularly from myself.  I have hidden my guilt, shame, sadness and remorse over my failed past relationships.  I have wanted to appear as though each ending of a significant chapter of my life has been on my terms.  I have not wanted others to view me as fragile or broken.

Facts are I was broken.  Facts are I still have parts of me which are broken.  

In light of all the amazingly positive changes I have made over the last 18 months it is easy to overlook the notion I may indeed still be broken in places.   It is easy to wake up each day with a smile and be grateful and go about my life without truly examining my past and thinking about making myself completely whole again.

As I continue my faith journey converting to Catholicism I am forced to look deep within myself and examine where I want my life to go.  This is not a decision to enter into lightly, you are either all in or all out, there is no middle wishy-washy ground.

This week, had I stayed married, I would be celebrating my 16th anniversary.  Every year in January I find myself reflecting on that time period in my life when I made the decision to get married.  I also, reflect on the pain I inflicted on another human being through the hurtful divorce process.   

Annually, I would put myself through this guilt process and beat myself up for decisions I made so long ago.  The hardest part was I never really answered to anyone but myself.  I let down my family, friends, my husband, myself...and never ever held myself accountable for my actions.  I completely did what I wanted and selfishly only thought of myself and my needs in that moment.

God works in mysterious yet obvious ways.  In all these years I have never atoned for what I did to my ex-husband.  Yes, I asked him for forgiveness and thankfully he was able to find a place in his heart to forgive me.  I have yet to find the way to forgive myself for my actions.  I have carried this around for 16 long years.  I have wanted to believe my divorce didn't bother me.  I have wanted to keep hidden the embarassment and shame of my divorce. 

Today, I am being asked to re-examine that time period.  Today I am being asked to atone for my ways.  Did anyone tell me I needed to do this?  No, not outright.   One night after my RCIA class at church it occurred to me that I would never be able to remarry again in good faith.  Up until this point in my life I don't think I really cared whether or not I was in good standing with anyone because I had always thought just about me and my needs.   When I left my husband I was not accountable to him, to my family, to my friends, to my church and certainly not to God.

Granted, it's not like men are lined up at my door dying for the opportunity to marry me in a beautiful Catholic church wedding, but maybe someday there may be a time when I want to remarry.  I know in my heart if I were to remarry I would want a beautiful Catholic wedding and I would want to enter into marriage with all the sacredness that surrounds it.

I instantly knew what I had to do.  I needed to begin the annulment process within the Catholic church.  Did that sound like a fun thing to do?  Of course not.  Do I want to look back on a time in my life when I am not proud of my actions?  Of course not.

EPIPHANY ~ seeing what was once hidden...I can now see that I am meant to stop hiding my past scars.  I am meant to see myself for who I was back then and through the annulment process I will be able to finally forgive myself and move forward freely in my life.  Forgiveness is a very powerful tool and until I can forgive myself for my past I'll never be able to be the best person I can be for my future.   I also love that had I not found my way to the Catholic church and renewed my faith I would have never given my past relationship with my ex-husband another conscious thought.  My guilt would have continued to fester quietly under the surface for an eternity each year eating away at my being.

I am thankful I am on this journey with God.  I am grateful that I hear His voice quietly guiding me in a whispered hush as I take these first awkward and uncomfortable steps.  It will be a long journey of inner reflection and revelations, but I know that I am not alone.  I know that I can and will get through this and that I will be a better person for going through the process.