The recent "fall back" time change has the days feeling shorter and the darkness creeping in earlier in the evening. This week I have found more light in these darker days and I feel completely on fire in my faith.
I have felt a little lost over the last month or so. I have been seeking solace not necessarily where I should have. I gave in to many temptations and during this time doubted myself and lost faith in who I am as a person. I am my own worst enemy and have judged myself harshly for my recent behavior.
Last week I made a choice to get myself back on track both emotionally, physically and above all spiritually.
This week I knew was going to be a tough week. I had major projects at work, I am still in a learning curve for my new job role, I was feeling uneasy about a relationship issue, I am nervous and consumed with my upcoming move....many things making me feel anxious and unsettled.
Sunday night I prayed for a long time. I did not ask God to help me speak better during my presentations this week, I didn't ask him to minimize the workload while my co-worker is on vacation, I didn't ask him to make my heart feel less wounded, I didn't ask him for anything tangible.
What I did was ask to be INSPIRED...I asked Him to be with me, to watch over me, to give me comfort in knowing that He is with me even when I feel like nobody else is there for me. I asked for help to continue to be courageous even when I feel totally afraid to face the day ahead.
This week has been one of the best weeks of my life. Work has been phenomenal...my heart is happy and my spirit is spunky again. I am totally "going with the flow" and doing the best I can because I know it's all going to be okay.
Tonight at my R.C.I.A. class (which I love so so so much) Father Eric asked if anyone would like to lead us in prayer at the close of our session together. I volunteered and said my first publicly spoken prayer and it just flowed from me...from my heart and soul. When I opened my eyes, Father Eric had tears in his eyes and he thanked me and said it was beautiful and moving.
Score! I love my job, my friends, my family, my faith, my amazingly beautiful life AND my God. Thank you for never leaving me and thank you for always illuminating my path and keeping my inner fire burning bright!!!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Finding My Way ~ The Three R's
The last year has been filled with many significant changes. At this time last fall I was still living in lower Michigan waiting to hear if I got the job in Minnesota. It's mind blowing to think how much my life has changed and how far I have come in such a short period of time.
I believe the 3 R's summarizes the changes in my life and how I feel in this moment:
Rebirth: For many years I shut God out and didn't listen to what he was trying to say to me. I wanted everything MY way, and I wanted quick and easy answers and was angry that my life felt so hard and how things never seemed to go my way. I felt God had abandoned me and I was very angry with Him and closed my heart to Him. It was so much easier to play the victim and blame not only God but others for my lot in life.
The day of my gastric bypass surgery in August 2010 my surgeon asked me if he could pray with me prior to the procedure. I welcomed this and felt very comforted going into surgery. I would say this was the "turning" moment when I allowed God back into my life.
Renewal: My attitude of gratitude began in August 2010 with each pound I lost, it felt like an opportunity to examine the excess "baggage" I had been carrying around all those years. Each day I felt healthier, happier, and intensely grateful for the new life I had been granted.
Each day I would find one small thing to be grateful about, eventually one grew into two, and so forth. I vividly recall the moment when I realized the changes in my life were not about me. Yes, I was active in making the changes but ultimately the changes occurred because I started listening to the small voice inside me telling me I could. Telling me I could be anything I wanted. Telling me I could go anywhere I wanted and that there was nothing holding me back from a glorious life except ME.
This voice was God telling me that I was glorious and created in His image and so how could I be anything other than spectacular?
The chain of events that led me from Kalamazoo, Michigan to Duluth, MN could not and would not have happened unless God himself had orchestrated them. I fully recognize that and feel so blessed that I finally shut up and listened to that amazing voice calling me to the path I have always been drawn to but ignored until that day.
Rejuvenation: My spirit is very much rejuvenated today. I have began a whole new path in my spiritual life. I was raised in a Christian home and attended a Presbyterian church. For many years after college I avoided the church and had many questions.
When I moved to MN I made a promise to go back to church. I began at a Presbyterian Church which was filled with many beautiful people and was a very positive experience, although I still felt incomplete or that something was lacking.
The faith I am discerning is Catholicism. If someone said to me a year ago that I would actively seek the Catholic faith I probably would have slapped my knee in laughter. It would have seemed so out of my realm of possibility. I used to be so closed off to any other way of thinking other than what I already believed.
I am trying to determine exactly when I realized I wanted to learn more about the Catholic faith. I have thought long and hard about this and I realize over the last year I have been asking my close friend (who is Catholic) many questions about the differences between Protestantism and Catholicism.
It's not like anyone said to me, "hey, become Catholic, it's the greatest religion out there."
I don't think it's accidental in the big scheme of things that God drew me to Duluth and now I work for a Catholic hospital. I know it's no accident being drawn to the chapel weekly and sitting quietly in prayer and asking weekly for his guidance on my journey.
The day I went to mass this summer at a small Catholic church I remember this feeling of awesomeness washing over me. I remember taking it all in from the statues, the candles, the songs, the prayers, the ornate and gorgeous altar to just how it felt in that very moment to be part of the mass. I felt alive.
That feeling has not left me. That feeling has inspired me to join a Catholic church here in Duluth. I am now 6 weeks into the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults (RCIA) where I am learning the rich history and traditions of the Catholic faith.
It is the most amazing gift I have ever given myself. My soul is rejuvenated on so many levels. For the very first time I feel the empty void in my heart has been filled. I could never explain the empty feeling. I always assumed it was material objects. Such as, if I had more money I would be happier. If I had this type of relationship, then I would be complete. If my job was like this, then I would be happier. It was none of those things.
I am finding when you open your heart to what God has planned for you...EVERYTHING falls into place....you are taken care of on every level. You are never alone so you never have to feel scared. You just have to have Faith that everything is how it is supposed to be according to His plan and that He loves you and will never, ever leave you. I have Faith that what is meant to be in my life is meant to be and will happen exactly when it is meant to happen.
I am Renewed. I am Reborn. I am Rejuvenated.
I believe the 3 R's summarizes the changes in my life and how I feel in this moment:
- Rebirth
- Renewal
- Rejuvenation
Rebirth: For many years I shut God out and didn't listen to what he was trying to say to me. I wanted everything MY way, and I wanted quick and easy answers and was angry that my life felt so hard and how things never seemed to go my way. I felt God had abandoned me and I was very angry with Him and closed my heart to Him. It was so much easier to play the victim and blame not only God but others for my lot in life.
The day of my gastric bypass surgery in August 2010 my surgeon asked me if he could pray with me prior to the procedure. I welcomed this and felt very comforted going into surgery. I would say this was the "turning" moment when I allowed God back into my life.
Renewal: My attitude of gratitude began in August 2010 with each pound I lost, it felt like an opportunity to examine the excess "baggage" I had been carrying around all those years. Each day I felt healthier, happier, and intensely grateful for the new life I had been granted.
Each day I would find one small thing to be grateful about, eventually one grew into two, and so forth. I vividly recall the moment when I realized the changes in my life were not about me. Yes, I was active in making the changes but ultimately the changes occurred because I started listening to the small voice inside me telling me I could. Telling me I could be anything I wanted. Telling me I could go anywhere I wanted and that there was nothing holding me back from a glorious life except ME.
This voice was God telling me that I was glorious and created in His image and so how could I be anything other than spectacular?
The chain of events that led me from Kalamazoo, Michigan to Duluth, MN could not and would not have happened unless God himself had orchestrated them. I fully recognize that and feel so blessed that I finally shut up and listened to that amazing voice calling me to the path I have always been drawn to but ignored until that day.
Rejuvenation: My spirit is very much rejuvenated today. I have began a whole new path in my spiritual life. I was raised in a Christian home and attended a Presbyterian church. For many years after college I avoided the church and had many questions.
When I moved to MN I made a promise to go back to church. I began at a Presbyterian Church which was filled with many beautiful people and was a very positive experience, although I still felt incomplete or that something was lacking.
The faith I am discerning is Catholicism. If someone said to me a year ago that I would actively seek the Catholic faith I probably would have slapped my knee in laughter. It would have seemed so out of my realm of possibility. I used to be so closed off to any other way of thinking other than what I already believed.
I am trying to determine exactly when I realized I wanted to learn more about the Catholic faith. I have thought long and hard about this and I realize over the last year I have been asking my close friend (who is Catholic) many questions about the differences between Protestantism and Catholicism.
It's not like anyone said to me, "hey, become Catholic, it's the greatest religion out there."
I don't think it's accidental in the big scheme of things that God drew me to Duluth and now I work for a Catholic hospital. I know it's no accident being drawn to the chapel weekly and sitting quietly in prayer and asking weekly for his guidance on my journey.
The day I went to mass this summer at a small Catholic church I remember this feeling of awesomeness washing over me. I remember taking it all in from the statues, the candles, the songs, the prayers, the ornate and gorgeous altar to just how it felt in that very moment to be part of the mass. I felt alive.
That feeling has not left me. That feeling has inspired me to join a Catholic church here in Duluth. I am now 6 weeks into the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults (RCIA) where I am learning the rich history and traditions of the Catholic faith.
It is the most amazing gift I have ever given myself. My soul is rejuvenated on so many levels. For the very first time I feel the empty void in my heart has been filled. I could never explain the empty feeling. I always assumed it was material objects. Such as, if I had more money I would be happier. If I had this type of relationship, then I would be complete. If my job was like this, then I would be happier. It was none of those things.
I am finding when you open your heart to what God has planned for you...EVERYTHING falls into place....you are taken care of on every level. You are never alone so you never have to feel scared. You just have to have Faith that everything is how it is supposed to be according to His plan and that He loves you and will never, ever leave you. I have Faith that what is meant to be in my life is meant to be and will happen exactly when it is meant to happen.
I am Renewed. I am Reborn. I am Rejuvenated.
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