The recent "fall back" time change has the days feeling shorter and the darkness creeping in earlier in the evening. This week I have found more light in these darker days and I feel completely on fire in my faith.
I have felt a little lost over the last month or so. I have been seeking solace not necessarily where I should have. I gave in to many temptations and during this time doubted myself and lost faith in who I am as a person. I am my own worst enemy and have judged myself harshly for my recent behavior.
Last week I made a choice to get myself back on track both emotionally, physically and above all spiritually.
This week I knew was going to be a tough week. I had major projects at work, I am still in a learning curve for my new job role, I was feeling uneasy about a relationship issue, I am nervous and consumed with my upcoming move....many things making me feel anxious and unsettled.
Sunday night I prayed for a long time. I did not ask God to help me speak better during my presentations this week, I didn't ask him to minimize the workload while my co-worker is on vacation, I didn't ask him to make my heart feel less wounded, I didn't ask him for anything tangible.
What I did was ask to be INSPIRED...I asked Him to be with me, to watch over me, to give me comfort in knowing that He is with me even when I feel like nobody else is there for me. I asked for help to continue to be courageous even when I feel totally afraid to face the day ahead.
This week has been one of the best weeks of my life. Work has been phenomenal...my heart is happy and my spirit is spunky again. I am totally "going with the flow" and doing the best I can because I know it's all going to be okay.
Tonight at my R.C.I.A. class (which I love so so so much) Father Eric asked if anyone would like to lead us in prayer at the close of our session together. I volunteered and said my first publicly spoken prayer and it just flowed from me...from my heart and soul. When I opened my eyes, Father Eric had tears in his eyes and he thanked me and said it was beautiful and moving.
Score! I love my job, my friends, my family, my faith, my amazingly beautiful life AND my God. Thank you for never leaving me and thank you for always illuminating my path and keeping my inner fire burning bright!!!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Finding My Way ~ The Three R's
The last year has been filled with many significant changes. At this time last fall I was still living in lower Michigan waiting to hear if I got the job in Minnesota. It's mind blowing to think how much my life has changed and how far I have come in such a short period of time.
I believe the 3 R's summarizes the changes in my life and how I feel in this moment:
Rebirth: For many years I shut God out and didn't listen to what he was trying to say to me. I wanted everything MY way, and I wanted quick and easy answers and was angry that my life felt so hard and how things never seemed to go my way. I felt God had abandoned me and I was very angry with Him and closed my heart to Him. It was so much easier to play the victim and blame not only God but others for my lot in life.
The day of my gastric bypass surgery in August 2010 my surgeon asked me if he could pray with me prior to the procedure. I welcomed this and felt very comforted going into surgery. I would say this was the "turning" moment when I allowed God back into my life.
Renewal: My attitude of gratitude began in August 2010 with each pound I lost, it felt like an opportunity to examine the excess "baggage" I had been carrying around all those years. Each day I felt healthier, happier, and intensely grateful for the new life I had been granted.
Each day I would find one small thing to be grateful about, eventually one grew into two, and so forth. I vividly recall the moment when I realized the changes in my life were not about me. Yes, I was active in making the changes but ultimately the changes occurred because I started listening to the small voice inside me telling me I could. Telling me I could be anything I wanted. Telling me I could go anywhere I wanted and that there was nothing holding me back from a glorious life except ME.
This voice was God telling me that I was glorious and created in His image and so how could I be anything other than spectacular?
The chain of events that led me from Kalamazoo, Michigan to Duluth, MN could not and would not have happened unless God himself had orchestrated them. I fully recognize that and feel so blessed that I finally shut up and listened to that amazing voice calling me to the path I have always been drawn to but ignored until that day.
Rejuvenation: My spirit is very much rejuvenated today. I have began a whole new path in my spiritual life. I was raised in a Christian home and attended a Presbyterian church. For many years after college I avoided the church and had many questions.
When I moved to MN I made a promise to go back to church. I began at a Presbyterian Church which was filled with many beautiful people and was a very positive experience, although I still felt incomplete or that something was lacking.
The faith I am discerning is Catholicism. If someone said to me a year ago that I would actively seek the Catholic faith I probably would have slapped my knee in laughter. It would have seemed so out of my realm of possibility. I used to be so closed off to any other way of thinking other than what I already believed.
I am trying to determine exactly when I realized I wanted to learn more about the Catholic faith. I have thought long and hard about this and I realize over the last year I have been asking my close friend (who is Catholic) many questions about the differences between Protestantism and Catholicism.
It's not like anyone said to me, "hey, become Catholic, it's the greatest religion out there."
I don't think it's accidental in the big scheme of things that God drew me to Duluth and now I work for a Catholic hospital. I know it's no accident being drawn to the chapel weekly and sitting quietly in prayer and asking weekly for his guidance on my journey.
The day I went to mass this summer at a small Catholic church I remember this feeling of awesomeness washing over me. I remember taking it all in from the statues, the candles, the songs, the prayers, the ornate and gorgeous altar to just how it felt in that very moment to be part of the mass. I felt alive.
That feeling has not left me. That feeling has inspired me to join a Catholic church here in Duluth. I am now 6 weeks into the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults (RCIA) where I am learning the rich history and traditions of the Catholic faith.
It is the most amazing gift I have ever given myself. My soul is rejuvenated on so many levels. For the very first time I feel the empty void in my heart has been filled. I could never explain the empty feeling. I always assumed it was material objects. Such as, if I had more money I would be happier. If I had this type of relationship, then I would be complete. If my job was like this, then I would be happier. It was none of those things.
I am finding when you open your heart to what God has planned for you...EVERYTHING falls into place....you are taken care of on every level. You are never alone so you never have to feel scared. You just have to have Faith that everything is how it is supposed to be according to His plan and that He loves you and will never, ever leave you. I have Faith that what is meant to be in my life is meant to be and will happen exactly when it is meant to happen.
I am Renewed. I am Reborn. I am Rejuvenated.
I believe the 3 R's summarizes the changes in my life and how I feel in this moment:
- Rebirth
- Renewal
- Rejuvenation
Rebirth: For many years I shut God out and didn't listen to what he was trying to say to me. I wanted everything MY way, and I wanted quick and easy answers and was angry that my life felt so hard and how things never seemed to go my way. I felt God had abandoned me and I was very angry with Him and closed my heart to Him. It was so much easier to play the victim and blame not only God but others for my lot in life.
The day of my gastric bypass surgery in August 2010 my surgeon asked me if he could pray with me prior to the procedure. I welcomed this and felt very comforted going into surgery. I would say this was the "turning" moment when I allowed God back into my life.
Renewal: My attitude of gratitude began in August 2010 with each pound I lost, it felt like an opportunity to examine the excess "baggage" I had been carrying around all those years. Each day I felt healthier, happier, and intensely grateful for the new life I had been granted.
Each day I would find one small thing to be grateful about, eventually one grew into two, and so forth. I vividly recall the moment when I realized the changes in my life were not about me. Yes, I was active in making the changes but ultimately the changes occurred because I started listening to the small voice inside me telling me I could. Telling me I could be anything I wanted. Telling me I could go anywhere I wanted and that there was nothing holding me back from a glorious life except ME.
This voice was God telling me that I was glorious and created in His image and so how could I be anything other than spectacular?
The chain of events that led me from Kalamazoo, Michigan to Duluth, MN could not and would not have happened unless God himself had orchestrated them. I fully recognize that and feel so blessed that I finally shut up and listened to that amazing voice calling me to the path I have always been drawn to but ignored until that day.
Rejuvenation: My spirit is very much rejuvenated today. I have began a whole new path in my spiritual life. I was raised in a Christian home and attended a Presbyterian church. For many years after college I avoided the church and had many questions.
When I moved to MN I made a promise to go back to church. I began at a Presbyterian Church which was filled with many beautiful people and was a very positive experience, although I still felt incomplete or that something was lacking.
The faith I am discerning is Catholicism. If someone said to me a year ago that I would actively seek the Catholic faith I probably would have slapped my knee in laughter. It would have seemed so out of my realm of possibility. I used to be so closed off to any other way of thinking other than what I already believed.
I am trying to determine exactly when I realized I wanted to learn more about the Catholic faith. I have thought long and hard about this and I realize over the last year I have been asking my close friend (who is Catholic) many questions about the differences between Protestantism and Catholicism.
It's not like anyone said to me, "hey, become Catholic, it's the greatest religion out there."
I don't think it's accidental in the big scheme of things that God drew me to Duluth and now I work for a Catholic hospital. I know it's no accident being drawn to the chapel weekly and sitting quietly in prayer and asking weekly for his guidance on my journey.
The day I went to mass this summer at a small Catholic church I remember this feeling of awesomeness washing over me. I remember taking it all in from the statues, the candles, the songs, the prayers, the ornate and gorgeous altar to just how it felt in that very moment to be part of the mass. I felt alive.
That feeling has not left me. That feeling has inspired me to join a Catholic church here in Duluth. I am now 6 weeks into the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults (RCIA) where I am learning the rich history and traditions of the Catholic faith.
It is the most amazing gift I have ever given myself. My soul is rejuvenated on so many levels. For the very first time I feel the empty void in my heart has been filled. I could never explain the empty feeling. I always assumed it was material objects. Such as, if I had more money I would be happier. If I had this type of relationship, then I would be complete. If my job was like this, then I would be happier. It was none of those things.
I am finding when you open your heart to what God has planned for you...EVERYTHING falls into place....you are taken care of on every level. You are never alone so you never have to feel scared. You just have to have Faith that everything is how it is supposed to be according to His plan and that He loves you and will never, ever leave you. I have Faith that what is meant to be in my life is meant to be and will happen exactly when it is meant to happen.
I am Renewed. I am Reborn. I am Rejuvenated.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
My Not-So-Secret, Secret
This weekend when visiting family, my cousin Lauren brought to my attention that I was truly living The Secret. I, of course, did not know what she was talking about as I had never heard of the book called The Secret which apparently is a very inspiring book which describes in great detail how we create our lives, with every thought every minute of every day.
The premise of this book is one in which you harness your own power of positive thinking. In that sense, I would agree that yes, without a doubt I am living and embracing the secret.
However, I believe calling it a secret seems kind of silly. It's no secret to me. It's pretty obvious if I am in a positive space, people respond positively to me. It also stands to reason if I open my heart and mind to the endless possibilities out there and recognize there is a greater higher plan in place for me then that plan seems to fall into place all on its own.
I realize by not needing to know exactly what road is ahead of me subsequently, frees up my mind to enjoy the journey and not be bogged down with the day to day worries of each little detail of said journey. Again, positivity is gained through lack of worry.
So in essence, by letting go of preconceived notions of how or what I think my life SHOULD be and focus on what I WANT in my life seems to attract the positive actions into my life.
I will often say, "from my lips to God's ears" and what started off as a joke, is something I genuinely believe. I no longer believe in coincidences, as I know everything happens for a reason at a specific time at exactly the moment it is meant to happen.
When I am in the chapel during my lunch period at work and sit and do centering prayer I hear Him. I sit there with my mind as a blank canvas and focus solely on one word like, "blessed" or "grateful" or "strength" and work very hard to not let my mind wander to the daily worries or stresses. I use the one word to keep me focused on listening to what God has to say to me.
By the end of my time I feel centered, focused, relaxed, blessed, loved and unburdened and ready to face anything on my path. If that means that I am living the "secret" then I want to share that secret with you.
Go and find that place within you that makes you feel shiny, beautiful, special, loved, centered, enlightened, peaceful, relieved, happy, joyous and above all creative in the knowledge that you are YOU and that there is nobody on this earth exactly like you.
Celebrate all that you are and give thanks to the one who created you in His image. You can never ever be too humble or too gracious.
I am deeply blessed and I know my path is the most amazing road ahead of me to date...and I cannot wait for the journey each and every day!!!
The premise of this book is one in which you harness your own power of positive thinking. In that sense, I would agree that yes, without a doubt I am living and embracing the secret.
However, I believe calling it a secret seems kind of silly. It's no secret to me. It's pretty obvious if I am in a positive space, people respond positively to me. It also stands to reason if I open my heart and mind to the endless possibilities out there and recognize there is a greater higher plan in place for me then that plan seems to fall into place all on its own.
I realize by not needing to know exactly what road is ahead of me subsequently, frees up my mind to enjoy the journey and not be bogged down with the day to day worries of each little detail of said journey. Again, positivity is gained through lack of worry.
So in essence, by letting go of preconceived notions of how or what I think my life SHOULD be and focus on what I WANT in my life seems to attract the positive actions into my life.
I will often say, "from my lips to God's ears" and what started off as a joke, is something I genuinely believe. I no longer believe in coincidences, as I know everything happens for a reason at a specific time at exactly the moment it is meant to happen.
When I am in the chapel during my lunch period at work and sit and do centering prayer I hear Him. I sit there with my mind as a blank canvas and focus solely on one word like, "blessed" or "grateful" or "strength" and work very hard to not let my mind wander to the daily worries or stresses. I use the one word to keep me focused on listening to what God has to say to me.
By the end of my time I feel centered, focused, relaxed, blessed, loved and unburdened and ready to face anything on my path. If that means that I am living the "secret" then I want to share that secret with you.
Go and find that place within you that makes you feel shiny, beautiful, special, loved, centered, enlightened, peaceful, relieved, happy, joyous and above all creative in the knowledge that you are YOU and that there is nobody on this earth exactly like you.
Celebrate all that you are and give thanks to the one who created you in His image. You can never ever be too humble or too gracious.
I am deeply blessed and I know my path is the most amazing road ahead of me to date...and I cannot wait for the journey each and every day!!!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Follow With Your Heart
I truly am starting to believe that God wants me to be happy all the time. Not just some of the time, but all of the time. I understand that may sound really bizarre but if you could put yourself in my shoes you would see precisely what I am talking about.
It's as if he knows what is important to me, what makes me feel good, inspired, enlightened, uplifted and places those experiences/adventures before me. He makes them possible.
This weekend was supposed to be dismal weatherwise at best. It was to rain, storm, then rain some more and perhaps some hail thrown in for good measure.
My plan was to go to visit my co-adventurer Saturday and spend the day out on a lake fishing. Well, you can't fish if it's storming. We talked on the phone early that morning and decided I would still make the 75 mile trip and we would plan to do other things since the weather forecast was not looking so fantastic.
I swear not even 15 miles out of Duluth, the sky turned this pretty shade of peach and I could see the sun poking from behind the thick cloud cover. By the time I got to my friend's house the sun was shining and there was no rain in sight. We quickly packed the boat, drove to the lake and proceeded to have a miraculous day of fishing.
It's like He knows what I need then provides it. This past week at work I networked with some big names at my hospital and because of my new attitude of gratitude I will probably be in a new position within the next 3 months. None of that happens on accident. It happens because I am making changes in my life through allowing him to walk with me daily, and feeling gracious for all my daily blessings.
I think my attitude of gratitude not only helps me to recognize my daily blessings but seems to allow the blessings to pour over me on a very regular basis. In all honesty, it would have been okay if our fishing trip had been postponed, but thanks to some prayer, positive thinking and Him I not only got one day of fishing, but two as we went back again today!!
I am not sure I'll get the reference exactly right but I know that when Jesus was talking to the fishermen he told them they could fish that day and eat for that day or follow him and never go hungry or lack for anything. It is absolutely true, I lack for nothing thanks to Him and allowing his presence to be recognized in my daily life.
I am so blessed for a home, job, food on my table, a car, friends, family, clothing, my health....my entire life...good and bad for it makes me what I am today.
It's as if he knows what is important to me, what makes me feel good, inspired, enlightened, uplifted and places those experiences/adventures before me. He makes them possible.
This weekend was supposed to be dismal weatherwise at best. It was to rain, storm, then rain some more and perhaps some hail thrown in for good measure.
My plan was to go to visit my co-adventurer Saturday and spend the day out on a lake fishing. Well, you can't fish if it's storming. We talked on the phone early that morning and decided I would still make the 75 mile trip and we would plan to do other things since the weather forecast was not looking so fantastic.
I swear not even 15 miles out of Duluth, the sky turned this pretty shade of peach and I could see the sun poking from behind the thick cloud cover. By the time I got to my friend's house the sun was shining and there was no rain in sight. We quickly packed the boat, drove to the lake and proceeded to have a miraculous day of fishing.
It's like He knows what I need then provides it. This past week at work I networked with some big names at my hospital and because of my new attitude of gratitude I will probably be in a new position within the next 3 months. None of that happens on accident. It happens because I am making changes in my life through allowing him to walk with me daily, and feeling gracious for all my daily blessings.
I think my attitude of gratitude not only helps me to recognize my daily blessings but seems to allow the blessings to pour over me on a very regular basis. In all honesty, it would have been okay if our fishing trip had been postponed, but thanks to some prayer, positive thinking and Him I not only got one day of fishing, but two as we went back again today!!
I am not sure I'll get the reference exactly right but I know that when Jesus was talking to the fishermen he told them they could fish that day and eat for that day or follow him and never go hungry or lack for anything. It is absolutely true, I lack for nothing thanks to Him and allowing his presence to be recognized in my daily life.
I am so blessed for a home, job, food on my table, a car, friends, family, clothing, my health....my entire life...good and bad for it makes me what I am today.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Awestruck
I am always pleased when things going on in my life somehow tie together with the sermon I hear at church on Sunday morning. Today was yet another one of those moments.
Yesterday while hiking out at Copper Falls - Wisconsin State Park I commented to my co-adventurer how I never grow tired of seeing the green of the pine needles, the smell of the woods, the roar of the waterfalls, the sheer memsmerizing beauty of all of nature.
Every single time I am out in nature, it is as if I am taking it all in for the very first time. Sometimes it makes me catch my breath. Or I'll get this lump in my throat because I know if I thought about it for one second more I'd probably be brought to tears. I am so taken by what God has created and allowed me to witness with a heightened awareness.
Today's sermon talked about how we don't always see Jesus but he is always around us. He is indeed! I saw him yesterday on the hiking trail...I felt him last night as I drove home and witnessed many, many deer who thankfully decided not to cross my car path....I hear him in the birds chirping, children's laughter and on and on.
It is very easy to have a blind spot in our life and not even realize it. I am so blessed my vision has been corrected. I realize I am not perfect, far, far from it. I am grateful though to have a higher sense of awareness about the things I once turned a "blind eye" to or didn't really care enough to notice.
It is easy to take the paved smooth path of least resistance. I choose the thorny, overgrown, sometimes woodtick laden path....because there is so much more to see there and so much more to experience and feel.
Open your eyes to everything...you will not be disappointed.
Yesterday while hiking out at Copper Falls - Wisconsin State Park I commented to my co-adventurer how I never grow tired of seeing the green of the pine needles, the smell of the woods, the roar of the waterfalls, the sheer memsmerizing beauty of all of nature.
Every single time I am out in nature, it is as if I am taking it all in for the very first time. Sometimes it makes me catch my breath. Or I'll get this lump in my throat because I know if I thought about it for one second more I'd probably be brought to tears. I am so taken by what God has created and allowed me to witness with a heightened awareness.
Today's sermon talked about how we don't always see Jesus but he is always around us. He is indeed! I saw him yesterday on the hiking trail...I felt him last night as I drove home and witnessed many, many deer who thankfully decided not to cross my car path....I hear him in the birds chirping, children's laughter and on and on.
It is very easy to have a blind spot in our life and not even realize it. I am so blessed my vision has been corrected. I realize I am not perfect, far, far from it. I am grateful though to have a higher sense of awareness about the things I once turned a "blind eye" to or didn't really care enough to notice.
It is easy to take the paved smooth path of least resistance. I choose the thorny, overgrown, sometimes woodtick laden path....because there is so much more to see there and so much more to experience and feel.
Open your eyes to everything...you will not be disappointed.
Friday, May 6, 2011
You'll Never Have This Moment Again
Today is a very brief window in our life, make the very most of what today is offering you.
If you feel like life has nothing to offer, you need to change your perception immediately. Every single moment should be SEIZED for the opportunity it presents you and SQUEEZED by you as if are sucking the very last whatever out of that moment.
Today while I was walking downtown I passed a shop that smelled divine. Literally the scent wafting out the door took me back to one of my favorite shops in Kalamazoo, MI called Terrapin. It has this earthy, patchouli scented something about it that spoke to me and made me nastalgic for that special place.
I could have kept walking and just thought about the store back in Michigan or I could have went in and embraced the moment.
I chose the second option. I walked through the front door with a huge smile on my face. I breathed in the intoxicating aromas and felt my soul and spirits lift. I don't have extra money to spend frivolously, however, I found a bumper sticker that made me laugh right out loud. I knew in an instant I just had to have it!
I SEIZED and SQUEEZED the moment. I immediately put the sticker on my car Sterling and it will continue to give me great joy in the months to come.
It may sound like a little thing, but embracing every opportunity before you opens your heart up to such immense joy. There are so many great people, places, sounds, just STUFF that is waiting out there for you to discover and make your very own.
I am no longer waiting for happiness or joy to find me. I am making my own joy....and am truly happy in my heart!!
Deepest Blessings!
If you feel like life has nothing to offer, you need to change your perception immediately. Every single moment should be SEIZED for the opportunity it presents you and SQUEEZED by you as if are sucking the very last whatever out of that moment.
Today while I was walking downtown I passed a shop that smelled divine. Literally the scent wafting out the door took me back to one of my favorite shops in Kalamazoo, MI called Terrapin. It has this earthy, patchouli scented something about it that spoke to me and made me nastalgic for that special place.
I could have kept walking and just thought about the store back in Michigan or I could have went in and embraced the moment.
I chose the second option. I walked through the front door with a huge smile on my face. I breathed in the intoxicating aromas and felt my soul and spirits lift. I don't have extra money to spend frivolously, however, I found a bumper sticker that made me laugh right out loud. I knew in an instant I just had to have it!
I SEIZED and SQUEEZED the moment. I immediately put the sticker on my car Sterling and it will continue to give me great joy in the months to come.
It may sound like a little thing, but embracing every opportunity before you opens your heart up to such immense joy. There are so many great people, places, sounds, just STUFF that is waiting out there for you to discover and make your very own.
I am no longer waiting for happiness or joy to find me. I am making my own joy....and am truly happy in my heart!!
Deepest Blessings!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Find Your Wings
“When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.” – Patrick Overton
I absolutely love this quotation and the feelings it invokes in me. For a very long time I never allowed myself to go to the "edge" of anything. It was safer and much more comfortable to stay with what I knew. I doubted myself and I had little belief in anything else being there for me should I aimlessly have wandered into the great unknown. I didn't trust me, and I had zero faith in anyone or anything else.
The beauty and joy I experience now is that I SEARCH for the EDGE. I am constantly pushing the limits of my comfortableness. When I say I am pushing the limits, I specifically mean I am trying to open my mind and heart and spirit to ALL the possibilities in life. I am seeing the world with brand new eyes and taking it all in and embracing the sheer magnitude of my daily existence.
What I like most is that every single time I have stepped out to the very outermost part of that scary ledge.....I have not been afraid. For in my heart I know I have the determination, perseverance, charisma and FAITH and I can do anything I set my mind to. Above all I have total faith that God is going before me and ensuring my footing on the path and will never let me falter.
I absolutely love this quotation and the feelings it invokes in me. For a very long time I never allowed myself to go to the "edge" of anything. It was safer and much more comfortable to stay with what I knew. I doubted myself and I had little belief in anything else being there for me should I aimlessly have wandered into the great unknown. I didn't trust me, and I had zero faith in anyone or anything else.
The beauty and joy I experience now is that I SEARCH for the EDGE. I am constantly pushing the limits of my comfortableness. When I say I am pushing the limits, I specifically mean I am trying to open my mind and heart and spirit to ALL the possibilities in life. I am seeing the world with brand new eyes and taking it all in and embracing the sheer magnitude of my daily existence.
What I like most is that every single time I have stepped out to the very outermost part of that scary ledge.....I have not been afraid. For in my heart I know I have the determination, perseverance, charisma and FAITH and I can do anything I set my mind to. Above all I have total faith that God is going before me and ensuring my footing on the path and will never let me falter.
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